Is It Inter or Co? Part I

Relationships are about connecting, connecting emotionally, intellectually etc…, and having relationships with a deep connection on multiple levels is great, when it is healthy. There is a certain dependence that is natural when you are in a relationship with others. Question is, what kind of dependency are we talking about? There are two kinds, with one being healthy, the other not being healthy. Inter and Co dependency, but what is the difference? There are a few differences and it’s important to really look in the mirror at ourselves and others to see if relationships in our lives and those we care about are inter or co.

One difference is the level of give and take in each. With a interdependent relationship you help each other in tough times or in a bind, there is a natural flow of give and take, of being the one supporting and the one supported. In a codependent relationship one person does most of the giving and supporting, often doesn’t feel supported by the other. Yet they feel this is normal, when in reality it isn’t, unless you have a situation of temporary illness or an incapacity occurs and one person then through circumstance needs more help. Another difference is what the intention is in giving help, or support. If the person asking for support is is given that support for personal development, support one’s dreams etc.., great, that’s inter. If the support is then thrown in one’s face, creates a situation of isolation, greater and unhealthy dependency, well, that’s co. Healthy helping inspires, helps to nurture you the other person.

In an interdependent relationship each person has a clear sense of self, of identity. They may be in the same profession, but each feels confident in their own skin, in what they achieve, the pace they achieve it in. Each is happy for and proud of the other for what they achieve, even if sometimes there are setback. In a codependent each is so dependent on the other for approval etc… that they really don’t know who they are, can’t celebrate themselves in their individual accomplishments. Also, though you do things together and share some common interests, goals, you also have things that maybe you are interested in, have been since you were young and you still pursue them, in balance with also sharing with others. You are not tied at the hip for every activity, every single thing. That would be a sign of codependency, not necessarily healthy. You also are able to experience your own feelings, such as frustration, anger, joy etc…and so are they in constructive ways, each being understanding of those feelings they and they other person are having, interdependent. If you are walking on eggshells with each other because you are afraid to rock the boat and so you only mirror what the other feels and suppress your own, codependent, not healthy in the long term.

Looking at where we are with life, relationships periodically is not a bad thing, it’s healthy. Like with everything the key is how we respond and if we do so in a constructive way.

Namaste