It’s Ok To Be Sad At Christmas

Today is Christmas day as you all know it is a time of merriment, and usually I am pretty upbeat Christmas Day. As I’ve mentioned before I am staying with a dear friend and her daughter until I can move into my new place. Last night was really great and we exchanged gifts all that.

Today her daughter went to her dad’s for the week, my friend went up to Connecticut to be with her guy, and I am going to my family in New Jersey, so all good, merry right? After my friend left and I was alone in the apartment I started crying, just spontaneously crying. Initially I didn’t know why, but then as I looked around at the apartment, no beloved Peanut, the doggie we had to put down, I started to realize just how isolated I had become between my fibromyalgia, which can drive friends away because well you are not reliable and can’t make plans because you don’t know how you’ll feel each day, then Covid and my own baggage from early on in life etc…putting up a wall regarding relationships. It hit me hard and I had never really I guess mourned my dad leaving when I was young etc… and for some reason today it all hit me and I am still going in and out of crying, mourning stuff lost in life, time lost due to my emotional baggage from my dad leaving, my mom being very dependent on me, letting me know I was all she had, thus creating in me the sense that I could never leave home because then she’d be all alone. Then there is the pins and needles I am on as I work to finalize the contract of purchase on the coop I like, so lots of stuff that needed to be released. I know it is Christmas and it is supposed to be a joyful time, but you know what today I don’t feel joyful. Am I grateful for the reason for the season, Christ? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be sad and if that bums other people out I’m sorry. It is okay to cry, to release what needs to be released, even if it is Christmas Day.

Then I had to ask myself what I will do now, now that I will be moving to a new place, have the chance for a new life, a chance to find ways to come out of the isolation etc….how do I do that? One way will be joining a neighborhood association, maybe the local Republican club, a synagogue, participating in life. I also have realized the joys of having a pet, though it does hurt when you lose them, but the joy they give, the companionship when they are with you is invaluable, so I will be getting dog, a Maltese most likely. It is up to me to release the hurt etc…in a healthy way, to make whatever healthy changes I need to make to engage in life, be a participant in life, not just an observer.

Namaste.