Calling Ourselves Out Part I

Often we call out other people for their behavior, beat them over the head so to speak over and over regarding their behavior. Not that we should excuse bad or toxic behavior, enable it or ignore it, but it is important to look at ourselves and our lives periodically, and see if there is anything we need to change or even apologize for. What questions can we ask ourselves periodically/

is this how it went or how I remember it, perceive it? The Queen’s response to Harry and Meghan’s contradictions etc…was perceptions may vary. That is not to say that my memory or the other person’s memory is more valid than the others, but from within a situation you may very well get a different narrative because we don’t necessarily know what is in the other person’s heart and mind. If we perceive that we were slighted, well yes from our viewpoint of perhaps personal insecurity etc.. we were. If we run with that and decide we are going to burn the house down because we perceive being slighted, or not given enough importance, well there could be lots of hurt that goes around. My mom was very frustrated with how her life had gone, and it was as it was in good measure due to her own choices. I had my own pain from childhood and insecurities, but often I would be given negative feedback about myself and very seldom positive feedback. There were many times when I thought that if I had never been born she would have had a better life. The problem is that I wasn’t responsible for her having a good or bad life because it was her choices in life that brought her to marry my dad, come to the USA etc… For her to realize that it was her choices, not God, not me that had gotten her to where she was and tied her down to staying in the U.S. after the divorce, she would have had to accept that it was her choices to some extent at least as an adult that led her to where she was. Not in away that she would beat herself up, but to make peace with it. The same goes for me. Wherever I am in my life now it comes down to choices I made as an adult, not God, not my mom or my dad, not negating the negative effects of the divorce, but just acknowledging that different choices would have put me in a different place in my life. Understanding this and our perception of things and how they align to fact, actual truth is important as a learning lesson to maturity.

How are insecurities affecting how I view situations? Nurturing, environment, influences throughout our lives can affect how we view the world, and situations, people, ourselves. If the early part of life if what one learns is survival, just survive circumstances, do what you have to do then that theme can follow a person throughout their lives. If one learns in the early part of life that there are not boundaries, no rules to follow, not structure to abide by then that will also potentially carry through later in life. My insecurities instilled in me by my parents’ divorce, negative talk growing up, including about men, learning that you really can’t trust anyone meant I was afraid to make a commitment to any kind of long term relationship, so I didn’t date much and one friendship I had long term with a man that had a heart of gold came to an end because the minute they showed any romantic feeling I got scared and sabotaged it. I realized I had to start with learning to trust myself and then once I build trust with myself, my decision making process then I can extend that to trust in others. I am also lucky that I have crossed path with people that as I transition to a new place to live and embark on a new chapter have had my back have shown me that there are people you can trust in this world. I also have to remember not to perceive setbacks as proving those who spoke down to me in life as proving them right. It takes resolve, resilience, faith, and positive self talk.

Am I more concerned with being right or gaining insight? Do I have moral and ethical boundaries that I have developed through faith, life experiences etc..? Yes, absolutely. Do I have views on various issues social and political? Yes I do. Here is the thing, having clear moral, ethical boundaries is a good thing, stabilizing. I used to be very dogmatic about things and it stemmed I then realized from feeling trivialized much of my life. Now I realize that I can have my views, core views, but that I need to look at them in context. My recent discovery of my Middle Eastern Jewish ancestry, Persian Iranian in particular were a bit disconcerting. If one only listens to mainstream media you get taught that Arabs hate us, all Arabs hate us, all Arabs hate Jews and vice versa. You might get taught that all orthodox Jews hate Christians, which contradicts my own experience of being welcomed always by Chabbad and Synagogue. Sine finding out my heritage, ancestry links I have started to go on YouTube and look at videos made by average people interactive with these cultures, spoken to people who have been to these countries. In a debate I could argue dogmatically for my views and get nowhere. On the other hand I could try to understand why there is that perception, to what extent is is true and how can it be changed mutually, so both sides, in spite of the craziness of extremists and politics, can find peace. Same in a relationship when it comes to engaging in disagreements with others. Insisting on being right all the time is exhausting and shows great immaturity, so an exchange of ideas, opinions shows maturity. That doesn’t mean one has to abandon general core beliefs in for example Democratic Republicanism, what is moral, ethical, and what isn’t, things of that nature, but at least to try and understand why the other person or group might feel as they do. Could they be receiving erroneous information? Could that be affecting how they view things? Being right when you have the facts, actual truth and facts, have really looked at all sides and determined with integrity where that middle ground lies is winning. Seems that often there is my “truth”, your “truth” and in between with facts is The Truth and that is what we should try to come together on, while respecting any emotional stuff that is going on in that space of The Truth.