If I Am …

If I am afraid does it mean I have to faith or that I am lost?

If I am anxious does it mean I have no faith in God?

If I am confused does it mean I don’t pray enough?

If I don’t have a gazillion rituals does that mean I am not a person of faith?

If I question life, purpose of being here and sometimes doubt God does that mean I am not spiritual?

These are questions that I have been asking myself this holiday as I embark on changes such as buying a new place, moving to a new neighborhood where I know absolutely no one, and as my fibromyalgia continues to be a thorn in my side. It is not a bad thing to ask myself these questions and others, actually it is probably in line with my Jewish ancestry, the questioning of things.

Is being afraid of changes, or being negatively affected by life’s circumstances in the moment emotionally an act of no faith or being lost? No, even Moses when asked to free the Egyptians was reluctant and tried to get out of it, and Jesus had moments of anger, frustration, agony and fear to where he was sweating blood. In the end they conquered those fears and kept the faith, Job included, so the fear etc.. itself is not an indication that you are a bad Christian, or Jew or whatever your denomination is.

What about being anxious? Is that a sign one has no faith? No, it’s called being human and yes certain things will trigger anxiety. If suddenly a hacker drains your account of all your funds and bills are due, anxiety is normal. Making phone calls etc.. and being concerned while you wait for the funds to be restored is not lack of faith. If you simply do nothing and assume no one will help, not even God, well yeah then you might have a faith issue. If you do everything you need to do, ask the divine realm for assistance, guidance in clarity of what to do and do it, then all good. Yes, it make take a while to resolve, but worrying a bit is not lack of faith in God. Is it normal that I am anxious to be making this move after living most of my life in the same area of Manhattan and having lived with my mom who was older and relied on me etc…? Yes, it is but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God or the Holy Trinity. Nope that is still in tact.

What about rituals? I don’t have a bunch of religious rituals I follow. I do meditate and commune with God etc.. regularly, seek divine inspiration in all things and yes I like to light candles on Shabbat, follow Shabbat Services online. I have some things that I find comforting in the spiritual realm, but I don’t have a gazillion rituals. Even last Christmas I didn’t do a tree, or anything like that. I focused on electrical candles throughout the apartment a symbol of light, of Yeshua, the light. I prefer candles and lights and since Yeshua was Jewish his entire life I set up for Channukah with a Menora and my lights for Yeshua, so I honor both my Jewish and Christian family heritage. Does that mean I am not religious? No, but I created rituals that have meaning for me and connect me to faith, relationship with Elohim.

Purpose is important so if one periodically questions one’s purpose in being here, in where one is headed is that a lack of faith? No, periodically examining one’s life, journey, purpose, destination in a healthy way is not rebellion against God. Abraham questioned God if he would spare the city if even one righteous was found, so questioning where we are going in life, where we have been, where we are now, even theological and spiritual questions are not wrong. If however they lead one to move to a life of materialism, total selfishness etc..then something went screwy along the way.

These are questions I am asking myself as I enter the new year and they are important ones. Do I have all the answers to them fully, well no not really, but it’s okay to ask them and seek those answers.

Namaste